Fever Part II - It's a Big World.. Soon I will forget, soon I will forgive, and then maybe I'll find happy for me...

.... There's just something heart dare not share. it took a while to eat it all in alone.. Tears can dry...even if it took a mere month passing you by... but yes, slowly, it dried up in the end. 

.... From that evening I left that painful ingatan, heartache drive away, pulling me far away from a face of sumone of dear love - whom I dreamed of; tears, heart-broken, harsh words he thrown out to you where u doa no one would be ever be said to that way, EVER AGAIN!... but how would 'one' whom gave love unconditionally ever predict this cud happen again? from that moment on, masih I ingat, I have no place to go, to run, dare not share and so i hide..., cried all nite out alone at a strange place. And with my sad eyes, I can't even walk under the sun the very next day... bengong juga pikir balik.. painful, glaring mata ini, "damn i lost my sun-shades.. where is it when u need one huh?" anyhow, cared less, the pain of my eyes is definitely un-comparable to the pain i hold inside. nobody knws wut i wallow in self-pity that day. 

.... Sleepless nite beberapa malam ke beberapa minggu, but thank god.. iman ku masih kuat, slowly gather my thoughts finding ways and strength. Lagipun, masalah politic di office ketika itu sedang hangat menular.. ending up, am the last one standing in my dept. lain diberhentikan. So, saya sahut cabaran itu, untuk bekerja creatively sendirian. tapis semua yg tidak penting, slowly, alhamdulillah, I could be able to manage it alone.

.... Therefore, if that couldn't break me down, tak patut aku akur pada kekalahan yang lain. I made a promise to myself, to everyday put on a mask, a straight face and go on. Never thot i cud promise myself and to actually do it,  not a single cry no more for this lost, and further moving on up, never ever look back again, to never give in to this lost, cause deep inside i know am better than this. how can i not be?? regardless of what he have said., kdgkala yes, masih lingers in my ears, sayup hati for making me feel like am no better woman.. but hey, kalau benar kata-katamu. tak mungkin aku yg kini dihormati pada usia ku ini, atas usaha ku sendiri.. diberi peluang melangkah kedepan atas pembawakan diri.. therefore i know now, not me who failed us.. it was u who failed ME! kau yang memungkiri janji, bukan aku... kau yang melupakannya... bukan aku...hanya aku yang inginkan, agar kita berbahgia ke anak cucu... so yeah, stupid making the same mistake twice, damn fool, not even twice... it was way more thn tht huh? silly me, thought of when kita kena musibah ilahi sebelum2 ini, we would grow up, kita makin ingat tuhan, and things semakin matters. kita maksudkan apa yang kita luahkan. kadangkala, i feel strongly to ask, me juga human, ada perasaan, ada nyawa, why hurt me? why me? cause you do know how..., i love you... and so forever i will.. but i guess, when u're wrong about someone, you are just wrong forever about him. never will he change. no matter hw hard you pray he would become your pure guidance and pure love.

.... Cos you know wut, things are just what it is! alahai...

aite, better stop mumbling before hati mendiam diri kembali.. pelan2 kan... insyaallah, ada nanti kebahagiaan untuk saya nanti. as for now. i'm sorry for writing these. cud it be feverish act, cud it be me sad!

salam..

Big World by Emilia

I'm a big big girl
in a big big world
It's not a big big thing if you leave me
but I do do feel that
I too too will miss you much
miss you much...

I can see the first leaf falling
it's all yellow and nice
It's so very cold outside
like the way I'm feeling inside

I'm a big big girl
in a big big world
It's not a big big thing if you leave me
but I do do feel that
I too too will miss you much
miss you much...

Outside it's now raining
and tears are falling from my eyes
why did it have to happen
why did it all have to end

I'm a big big girl
in a big big world
It's not a big big thing if you leave me
but I do do feel that
I too too will miss you much
miss you much...

I have your arms around me ooooh like fire
but when I open my eyes
you're gone...

I'm a big big girl
in a big big world
It's not a big big thing if you leave me
but I do do feel that
I too too will miss you much
miss you much...

I'm a big big girl
in a big big world
It's not a big big thing if you leave me
but I do feel I will miss you much
miss you much...